We are writing to ask for your assistance in a matter that we deem highly urgent. We ask that you command your underlings in Hollywood to do the following:

1) Stop making movies about things that they do not understand.

"Untraceable" stars Diane Lane as an FBI agent in a computer crimes lab, where she breathlessly figures out that a Web site designed by a serial killer is -- you guessed it -- untraceable. The problem here is that technology has been popularized enough that Hollywood no longer has poetic license to make things up about how the Internet works. A Web site cannot be untraceable -- a person on the Internet can be untraceable -- but Web sites pop up all the time. Why, oh why, Mr. Cruise must they stretch the plot outside of the realm of plausibility? Even the exterior shots of Portland cannot make up for the fact that this movie's plot makes no sense.

2) Make Sylvester Stallone go back to being a writer

We're sure that Sly is a good friend of yours. He's got "back to the well" fever bad, first with "Rocky Balboa," and now with "Rambo." John Rambo is relaxing in Thailand when two human rights missionaries ask him to assist them through a road filled with land-mines. Of course, Rambo accepts and completes the task. But when the missionaries never return, Rambo seeks vengeance. We're not complaining that the new "Rocky" was bad, and secretly we think that "Rambo" will be just as good. What we are complaining about is that Sly was meant to be a writer and director and instead he somehow became an action hero. Please ask Sly to stop remaking his own franchises and focus on WRITING new material.

3) Stop parodying things we no longer care about

"Meet the Spartans" is sort of like Scary Movie -- not the first one. The third one. It's also sort of like "Epic Movie" and "Date Movie" in that good comedic actors and writers are doing really bad work. Tom. Can we call you Tom? We know your minions in the movie trailer business could find footage to make ANY movie appear funny. Somehow this one missed the boat. All we see are "300" Spartans throwing annoying things down a big hole. While we appreciate seeing the American Idol judges fall to their deaths, we think there might be a downside to this movie. We're only just now recovering from the wacky animated images of "300" on the Internet where they mock the "WE ARE SPAAAAAAARTANS" line. Must we start that all over again?

So Mr. Cruise please take care of these matters immediately. If we are subject to even one more Stallone action flick, pathetically flimsy plotline, or lame parody that mocks only our intelligence, DRASTIC measures will be taken. We will stop humming the Mission Impossible theme while doing mundane tasks; we will stop calling each other Maverick. And finally, we will buy a lot of "South Park" DVDs, specifically the "Trapped in the Closet" season, and hand them out freely from an untraceable Web site.

Sincerely,

The Movie Community