That's right folks. Childhood obesity and America's burgeoning prostitution problem could easily be squelched simply by giving the man in red a makeover.

According to Yahoo News, folks in Sydney Australia are encouraging their Santas to stop saying "Ho, ho, ho" and instead substitute "Ha, ha, ha." This way, they reason, it won't be offensive to women, who are, of course, all "hos."

Can I just be the first to say thank god for this first small step towards a better society?

And why stop there? The Easter BUNNY? Surely this brings up images of Playboy Bunnies to most children. How many future lawyers and doctors have been lost to this childhood icon, which is obviously promotes crass and sexist images? There are children out there who are 3-, 4- even 5-years-old who STILL WET THE BED. Surely this is because of Cupid who flies around unabashedly in his diaper, even though he is plenty old enough to know better. And don't even get me started on Arbor Day.

According to ABC News, people in Britain are suggesting St. Nick slim down a bit. With childhood obesity at an all-time high, I couldn't agree more. Scientists go on and on about eliminating soda pop and fast food from kids' diets. But obviously the REAL problem is that children have had too much contact with Mr. and Mrs. Claus. I say we take it one step further and draft Father Christmas into the next round of NBC's "The Biggest Loser." Once kids see Santa puke his guts out on a treadmill, they'll reconsider cookies and milk, and set out celery sticks and Slimfast for the jolly elf. Now THAT'S building a better American.