The success of the human race relies on the institution of motherhood: the assumption that most women, once they have identified a child as their own, will make its survival the point of her life. Furthermore, it is an honor, the greatest joy a woman will ever know, to wrap her life protectively around that of her children. It has been this way across every culture, though all of recorded history. Having children is the evolutionary goal of life. It’s God’s design. It makes you happy.
Or does it?
The dirty secret is leaking out, through blogs, message boards, and even books. Mothers saying in words loaded with guilt, “I’m not enjoying this. This isn’t like I thought it would be. I’m not fulfilled. And I feel really, really bad about that.”
Perhaps more surprising is science’s contribution to the issue. A comprehensive 2005 study published in the psychiatric Journal of Health and Social Behavior found: “Although there are inconsistencies in findings across studies, most research either finds that parents do not significantly differ in emotional well-being from non-parents or that parents report significantly more emotional distress than persons who have never had children.”
Jane is a Salem-area mother of two small children. She agreed to speak about her feelings toward motherhood honestly, but only if promised the strictest anonymity. Her sentiments could be coming from any number of mothers.
“I’m not sure I had a lot of expectations about what motherhood would be like. I guess when I thought about it I thought in terms of my cat who likes attention, but is perfectly capable of entertaining and taking care of herself for hours at a time. I guess I was unprepared for the constant vigilance and attention kids require.”
Jane quit a career she enjoyed to devote herself to her children. “When I first broached the idea of having kids I was between jobs and a little bored. I thought having a baby might fix that. I didn’t realize it would be several years later and I’d be into a job I adored before we finally had a baby in our home.”
Jane also speaks of the joy of parenting, the moments a woman is promised if she undertakes children, the loving and laughter and warmth. She says, “Those special moments are real, although not frequent enough. I live for those too brief good moments, but most of the moments feel like I’m slogging through them. Maybe that’s something wrong with me.”
Jane isn’t alone in her feelings that her discontent indicates something is wrong with her. The Internet is teeming with women taking advantage of anonymity to say the same shameful thing. But has it always been this way?
The National Marriage Project’s 2006 “State of Our Unions” report suggested that these feelings of dissatisfaction are relatively new. In generations past, children were an investment, a way to eventually ensure a better running home and business, and a retirement plan when old age came. Nowadays children are less likely to play an active role in the financial stability of a household, with more aged parents using their own savings to pay for elder care, as well as often continuing to support their children far into adulthood.
Women especially can be expected to experience more choices and variety than their grandmothers. They sample fulfillment that doesn’t involve having kids, in work and social fields, often in ways that are hard to get back to once kids are born. The loss of this perfectly good old life can be difficult to adjust to.
Barbara Almond, a mother of three grown sons, has worked for 38 years as a psychotherapist, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. During her career she has worked extensively examining mother/child relationships. Her new book, “The Monster Within: The Hidden Side of Motherhood” is sourced from these experiences. Almond has a term for these emotions, the feeling that your children and the experience of motherhood are disappointing: “Maternal Ambivalence.” She claims that it is a very widespread and natural occurrence, that nonetheless comes loaded with guilt.
Almond says, “It has been my experience that mothers feel very depressed and guilty about any negative feelings they have about their children. They strive to mother perfectly and this is often done at the expense of their own needs. It is only in very recent years that complaints have been voiced publicly. Most middle-class mothers drive themselves too hard and ignore their own needs. They live in a tense and competitive atmosphere when it comes to parenting.”
The decision to have children is not fated, as it used to be. Even after the advent of birth control, it was still a given that happy unions would produce children. But now studies are showing that not only is happiness plentiful for nonparents, but becoming a parent might actually detract from happiness in some measurable way.
For the first time in history, it may be becoming acceptable to not be one of those people. A world may be dawning where not having children doesn’t automatically mean you’re selfish or short-sighted. Rather, it indicates a contentment with life as it is.
And furthermore, if a woman does choose to become a mother, perhaps it is now more possible than ever to strive for a “selfish” balance between the needs of the mother and her children. To have a realization that complete self-sacrifice isn’t the only good way to parent.
Almond says, “Perhaps the pendulum is swinging away from ‘perfect mothering,’ which is impossible anyway, to motherhood that takes into account the needs of both parties. This might be better for everyone.”
